Unselfish Love

 


Dear A,

As it turns out, I never knew love until I met you. All I have experienced were all just transactional love, or selfish love. I didn't know that if I love a person in an exchange of they do something for me, was not love at all. Love is something that I give without expecting anything, and I never able to do that. 


When you keep saying I don't understand you, in my head I keep questioning, am I really not understand you or you not understand me. That is all we ever argue about. As I finally do something that you want, I understand you and your very busy schedule, till you have no time for me even for just 5 seconds to text good morning or good night, and I didn't get anything in return, that is how I slowly understand what it feels like to love.


Apparently, love is not a feeling. I always know that love is a verb and not a noun. There is 'loving' in love, 'loved' in love, and 'loves' in love. It is a verb. Which means that it is something that we do and not feel. What I feel is not love, but lust. It is confusing at first, but thanks to you, now I understand. You want me to understand you, but more than that, you helped me understand love. 


Because when I choose to understand you, doesn't mean it goes naturally as it is. I told you what I want in a relationship, and instead of giving me that, you do the exact opposite so it is just normal if I feel sad and lonely. But I keep understanding you anyway, and not asking for anything, throughout the weekend even when I know you have a day off, I wanted to spend time with you but you said you have some work to do and I don't complain.. it goes with some sad feeling. But I choose to understand, and I choose to act normal. I try to distract my self with the reality of my surroundings so to not bother you for days. Later I learned that, apparently, that is an act of love.


In the process of waiting for you and your work to be over, I listened to some philosophy podcasts. Philosophy on the art of loving. It says.. Those who are still disappointed in love, usually because their ego are not fulfilled. If the love is true, no matter how disappointed it is, they will not stop loving. If the love is not selfish, it gives without wanting it back.


Thank you for making me aware that apparently, I am capable of loving. And to give me the experience of how it feels to truly love someone without expecting anything.


So with this conclusion, I choose to keep my love with me, and give it to someone worthy. Someone who has the same goal as mine, and therefore I can devote my love to him.

Here, I am, letting you go.


Love,

Hilma

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