Unselfish Love

 


Dear A,

As it turns out, I never knew love until I met you. All I have experienced were all just transactional love, or selfish love. I didn't know that if I love a person in an exchange of they do something for me, was not love at all. Love is something that I give without expecting anything, and I never able to do that. 


When you keep saying I don't understand you, in my head I keep questioning, am I really not understand you or you not understand me. That is all we ever argue about. As I finally do something that you want, I understand you and your very busy schedule, till you have no time for me even for just 5 seconds to text good morning or good night, and I didn't get anything in return, that is how I slowly understand what it feels like to love.


Apparently, love is not a feeling. I always know that love is a verb and not a noun. There is 'loving' in love, 'loved' in love, and 'loves' in love. It is a verb. Which means that it is something that we do and not feel. What I feel is not love, but lust. It is confusing at first, but thanks to you, now I understand. You want me to understand you, but more than that, you helped me understand love. 


Because when I choose to understand you, doesn't mean it goes naturally as it is. I told you what I want in a relationship, and instead of giving me that, you do the exact opposite so it is just normal if I feel sad and lonely. But I keep understanding you anyway, and not asking for anything, throughout the weekend even when I know you have a day off, I wanted to spend time with you but you said you have some work to do and I don't complain.. it goes with some sad feeling. But I choose to understand, and I choose to act normal. I try to distract my self with the reality of my surroundings so to not bother you for days. Later I learned that, apparently, that is an act of love.


In the process of waiting for you and your work to be over, I listened to some philosophy podcasts. Philosophy on the art of loving. It says.. Those who are still disappointed in love, usually because their ego are not fulfilled. If the love is true, no matter how disappointed it is, they will not stop loving. If the love is not selfish, it gives without wanting it back.


Thank you for making me aware that apparently, I am capable of loving. And to give me the experience of how it feels to truly love someone without expecting anything.


So with this conclusion, I choose to keep my love with me, and give it to someone worthy. Someone who has the same goal as mine, and therefore I can devote my love to him.

Here, I am, letting you go.


Love,

Hilma

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Something to Look Forward to

 My life was is great.  At least when I was in my early to mid twenties. Although, at the same time, I was experiencing the first and the biggest heart break of my life, because I broke up with my fiance. We were together for five years and a half, and in the middle of planning a wedding. I was devastated, but not too much. Because during those years, I always have something to look forward to.  I spent the first year of my career exploring Kalimantan and Sumatera. I visited over a hundred villages in remote area. Even those which are not covered by common transportation, and requires all kind of transportation: air, ground, and water.  Life was a constant planning of one field visit to another, or one event after another. I am planning my day to day basis to those goals only.  “Oh I have field visit to North Kalimantan next week, so starting today, my life is heading to that week. I prepare my house to be left alone for a week or two because of that visit…” and so on so forth. I didn
Read more

Inside the Mind of a Woman

  Clean up! Clean up the house because it is home for me, and.. Clean up my body because it is home for someone, someday ;). Let’s prepare the homes, because coming home is indeed something to look forward to! *** Bogor, 07 October 2023. 23:13 I finally clean up the corner of my house and it feels sooooo good to see that side of the floor again. I am not a tidy nor organise person, so minimalism helps preventing the mess. I don’t need this many stuff to survive, and neither do you. Declutter now, feel better later 😉
Read more

144 Hours without Instagram

  For the very first time in my life, I uninstalled instagram. The apps that have been coloring my days since eleven years ago, is now gone. Not completely, but still gone. I thought I can only stand 3 days without it, but here I managed to survive for 6 good days. But I just cried. This evening, after coming back from the mall. Meeting the Finance Director of my ex company, hearing all her thoughts about the drama that I know so well.. I didn’t do anything with her, I was just sit, listen, and understand. But eventually, that is all she needs. We part ways, I went straight home — make one stop to buy my favorite favorite fruit — and continue home. No picture, no posts, nothing. Oh yeah, I cried once I entered the house. Because it feels so.. empty. The house, the same house I have lived for nearly 6 years now.. feels emptier than ever.  Do I miss instagram? — NO Do I miss posting my stories? — NO. But I miss someone I used to talk to in instagram. I miss his laugh and his weird noise.
Read more