An Ode to Solitude



When the Sun sets, and the adhaan is in the air, what would you usually do?

I only write a lot when it comes closer to D-day. Whatever the day is. I have been living a life where I can only think of the closest goal; assessment next week, public consultation next month, training event two months later, and I set my life around those only goals. I can only plan for four or five months ahead. Top. It freaks me out to see what my life will be after the next six months.


I live day by day planning the nearest end; what’s for lunch, what’s for dinner, what’s for tomorrow’s meeting, task lists I have to check, on and on. 


This afternoon, with mood swings and hormonal imbalance, I lie sit on my bed after changing my menstrual pad for the fifth times of the day, thinking.. what to do tonight?


I can watch movies, or read, or simply creating design contents of my own brands, I can explore the words to do tagline for both HSL Cold-Pressed Juice and Sleepyhead, but instead.. I chose to sit in silence. Enjoying the quiet afternoon where nobody is talking. No sound of whatever it is that neighbour used to make. It’s peaceful.


When you’ve been living with your self for so long, and you start discovering who you really are.. and you start to notice deeper things that you never noticed before, then you start to be afraid of some weird things. Maybe something like if one day you have to get married, and the person that you end up with don’t understand what it is to be alone, and you struggle so much to have your own space with him around the corner and you start to think that your alone time isn’t so bad at all. Your alone time helps you heal, helps you discover your peace, helps you set the bar for another person that you will let in. 


I say that feeling is an ode to solitude. None will understand unless they have been alone for some time. 


Life can change in an instant, you know. One day you’re alone, the other day you’re surrounded with crying babies. You’ll never know. You’ll never guess unless you start enjoying this exact minutes you have. 


So here I am, sitting in an empty house. The house that has as much as empty spaces that I need. A blank large grey walls, high up to the white clear ceilings, I can stare at it for fifteen minutes and think about the world. 


***

Bogor, 18 November 2020

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