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Terima Kasih

  Aku berterima kasih padamu, yang telah tumbuhkan luka. Karena dari situ aku belajar untuk mengenal diriku sendiri dan perlahan menumbuhkan cinta untuk diriku sendiri. Aku adalah satu-satunya orang yang bertanggung jawab terhadap hidupku. Peranmu hanya memfasilitasi saja, dan telah membantuku menyadari apa yang selama ini sudah aku ketahui. Terima kasih ku kepadamu, karena mengajariku caranya mencintai. Walau selama ini aku salah jika mengira aku selalu mencintai orang lain, padahal cinta itu selalu menuntut balas. Karena bukanlah cinta jika masih menuntut balas. Maka cintaku, sudah semestinya aku kembalikan pada yang berhak yaitu diriku sendiri. Aku cantik. Aku pintar. Aku punya hati yang besar. Aku mandiri. Dan aku pantas mendapatkan seseorang yang bisa mengatasiku. Allah tahu mana yang terbaik bagiku. Dan aku pun berdoa, agar Allah kirimkan yang terbaik untukmu. Di manapun kamu, aku harap kamu tahu, akan selalu ada seseorang di sini yang benar-benar peduli denganmu. Kapanpun ka...
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About letting go

One thing that I just realised about letting go is that this is not a linear process. This is an iterative process and you do it multiple times. And you bleed every time. You let them go when you're in the airport, thinking the first time you meet each other. You let them go at the grocery store when their favorite chocolate cookie is on the display. You let them go when you see sunrise, or eating his favourite ramen on purpose because you miss them. You let them go every night when you cant sleep, pretending the pillows is their shoulder, but its not anymore.  Wishing and believing that someone better will come along and replace that part, although it seems vague and impossible now because you can still smell them in your head.  Doesn't matter how much you love them, when they make decision to leave your life, you have to let them go. You just have to. Life is not always about what you want, but also about who wants to be with you. We just secretly pray that we share that mut...
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Oktober 2024

  Ya Rabb.. Aku menyerah. Perasaan ini masih ada, tidak peduli seberapa sering aku memproses luka, bertanya pada diriku sendiri apa yang membuat luka, lalu mencoba menyembuhkannya. Aku masih rindu. Namun jika ini tidak pada tempatnya, mohon bantu aku melepaskannya. Jika ini kian membuatku terluka, mohon bantu aku menghilangkannya. Aku tahu aku salah. Mencoba-coba dalam khianat, sebab hasrat yang begitu lama terpendam. Maka ku mohon ampun Mu Tuhanku Yang Maha Pemaaf. Aku rela menerima luka, jika ini cara Engkau menerimaku kembali. Maka terima aku kembali, Ya Tuhanku. Sebab hingga sekarang,  Bandara menjadi sayatan di luka ini. Masih jelas dalam ingatan, bahagia dan gugup ketika berpindah ke terminal kedatangan internasional, menyambutnya datang. Tertawa dan salah tingkah melihatnya datang dari kejauhan. Senyumnya yang lebar, tingkahnya yang kekanak-kanakan, masih tergambar mesra dalam setiap sudut bandara manapun yang aku datangi. Dan fajar? Fajar masih membawa ingatanku pada p...
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My Confession

  I live a pretty lonely life, and I know that. I used to hope someone someday could understand me. But nobody ever could. Nobody. I try to accept this reality, but social media stopped me from that. The illusion to have someone around, someone who care, someone who will pick up my call whenever I need them, are just illusions. Family came one block away, but not telling. Even parents. Sister plan to visit, then cancel when she knew I got sick.  Is this fair? Life's been like this since high school, but I keep up hope that it'll change someday, but it didn't. Should I accept this or should I die. Men are disgusting.
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Unselfish Love

  Dear A, As it turns out, I never knew love until I met you. All I have experienced were all just transactional love, or selfish love. I didn't know that if I love a person in an exchange of they do something for me, was not love at all. Love is something that I give without expecting anything, and I never able to do that.  When you keep saying I don't understand you, in my head I keep questioning, am I really not understand you or you not understand me. That is all we ever argue about. As I finally do something that you want, I understand you and your very busy schedule, till you have no time for me even for just 5 seconds to text good morning or good night, and I didn't get anything in return, that is how I slowly understand what it feels like to love. Apparently, love is not a feeling. I always know that love is a verb and not a noun. There is 'loving' in love, 'loved' in love, and 'loves' in love. It is a verb. Which means that it is something t...
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My Mind and Me

  It’s the start of July and the weather gets cold. What supposed to be a bright-sunny month is now grey and gloomy, for everything has changed, including the climate. My mind can be a very dark place sometimes. It is scary up here and I thought someday someone will rescue me.  But I was wrong. There is no one here. I have to help my self. I am my own rescuer.  For the hardest battle is to fight our own negative thoughts. I wish I knew this sooner. - Bogor, 9 July 2024
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Something to Look Forward to

 My life was is great.  At least when I was in my early to mid twenties. Although, at the same time, I was experiencing the first and the biggest heart break of my life, because I broke up with my fiance. We were together for five years and a half, and in the middle of planning a wedding. I was devastated, but not too much. Because during those years, I always have something to look forward to.  I spent the first year of my career exploring Kalimantan and Sumatera. I visited over a hundred villages in remote area. Even those which are not covered by common transportation, and requires all kind of transportation: air, ground, and water.  Life was a constant planning of one field visit to another, or one event after another. I am planning my day to day basis to those goals only.  “Oh I have field visit to North Kalimantan next week, so starting today, my life is heading to that week. I prepare my house to be left alone for a week or two because of that visit…” an...
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